I already have mine, but if you need yours, find a man who reads Men’s Health - OR SheKnowsBest. Dexie shares these fine points of how to be the perfect man - with my comments added instead of hers:

1. Don’t worry about looking like Brad Pitt - thats always good though.

2. Do something when she’s in a bad mood - let her take a nap - feed yourself - feed the kids - feed something so she doesn’t have to (or do some dishes, if all else fails)

3. Know when — and how — to be a gentleman

4. Ditch any and all jealousy triggers - jealousy will run off your woman something quick - or at least it should. Same goes for you, girls.

5. Hone your kissing skills

6. Take your sweet time in the sack.

7. Give her the best orgasm of her life. 5, 6 and 7 - OH YEAH.

Now, what I really want to know is what MY hubby thinks about this “perfect man” list. This should be good.

Check out Dexie’s original post for her commentary on the perfect man list.

A little humor in Britney’s sad situation - from the master, Letterman.

My opinion on Britney, if you wanted to know it - Britney is suffering from several years of heavy drug abuse and screwed up seratonin levels (ecstasy does that to you in a big way) and lots of depression accentuated by post-partum, and divorce. Divorcing even the crappiest person will make you depressed - trust me, I know this. I do think she is going to be dead soon if she doesn’t get some help - I wish I could help her and I hope she lets someone help her soon. Danny Bonaduce (damndoeshelookscary) did an interesting interview on TV last night and said that he knew Britney’s dad and knew if they could grab her up and take care of her, he would. I hope he tries harder - I don’t know how the paparazzi can find her, but her family can’t. Maybe X17 should let Mr. Spears ride around with them.

source

Much ado has been made about this sketch - but I think this one is at least as funny - and a whole lot more safe for the kiddies than the first one. Not that the kiddies care.

These are making me love Justin Timberlake again - hes a hoot.

You want to check out some amazing Photoshop work? Do you love babies? (Do you love Gene Simmons?) Sure you do!

Click here.

My hubby sent me this from the fabulous office he is currently working in, at Virginia Living magazine - if you think YOUR day is bad, check out this poor mans day:

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 On FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job Experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

Read the rest after the jump!
Continue reading ‘Having a bad day?’

…sad to say:

“I fixed your computer…”

gew·gaw Pronunciation (gygô, g-) also gee·gaw (j-, g-)
n.
A decorative trinket; a bauble.
[Middle English giuegaue.]
Source

Carefully note that this is not the same word as:
googis, googas
n. Dick, penis, cock, johnson

Source

Thank goodness Hsien got the difference figured out prior to posting at PlayLibrary.

I have heard this first one before, but it will bear another look:

One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the
lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start  at
any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says  the
woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you  could
start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads; it is likely she can also
think.

And one more, from Selina, that is a hoot:

The Good-bye Letter

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands.

“Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing’s, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only t! he passion… Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for
ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don’t
worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure
we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

PS.  Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for
me to come home.